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The world's best invention to date? No doubt about has to be venetian blinds.
Otherwise, it would have been curtains for all of us.
                                                                             - Unknown

Husband telling his wife about his day at the office:
"I think my boss is beginning to realize I can be a consultant for his whole
department.  He told me that when he wants my opinion he'll ask me for it."
                                                                                 - Unknown

We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
                                                      - Abraham Lincoln

Lord, my prayer is that You would please help me
become the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
                                                         - Unknown

Better to be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
                                                                     - Anonymous

Good judgment comes from experience -- which, of course, usually comes from bad judgment.
                                                                                                       - Unknown

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
                                                                                               - Susan Ertz

Very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.  The reason
is that very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.
                                                                                                     - Joel Hildebrand

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
                                                                                                    - Unknown

Mountains appear more lofty the nearer they are approached,
but great men do not resemble them in this particular.
                                                                                - Lady Marguerite Blessington

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
                                                                                         - Woody Allen

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
                                                                                             - Unknown

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
                                                                                  - Will Rogers

The future is much like the present, only longer.
                                                 - Dan Quisenberry

Lord, thank you so much for not letting me become
who I would have been if it were left up to me alone.
                                                               - Nicole Notare

The fact there's a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell
says a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers.
                                                                      - Unknown

The sign you've been waiting for...

O Father, up in heaven, stir and wake our sleeping souls;
Renew our faith and lift us up and give us higher goals.
Grant us heavenly guidance as war threatens us again;
Far more than guided missles, this world needs guided men.
                                                        - Helen Steiner Rice

An age is called Dark not because the light refuses to shine
but because people refuse to see it.
                                           - James A. Michener, in his novel SPACE

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Make of this what you will. I will make a hot fudge sundae.

Some people can't tell a lie. A lot more folks can't tell the truth.
Seems like most of us, though, can't tell the difference.
                                                                        - NORM 'n' AL

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
                                                     - Albert Einstein

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
                                                                                 - Anonymous

When it's free, it's called advice.
When you pay for it, it's called counseling.
When you can really use it, it's a miracle.
                                                                  - Unknown

We cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking
we used when we created them.
                                                            - Albert Einstein

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than men who feel a need to mention it.
                                                                       - NORM 'n' AL

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk twelve feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
                                                                                 - NORM 'n' AL

The worst part about being over the hill
is that all you can do from there is pick up speed.
                                                                 - NORM 'n' AL

Like all good writers, we always proofread carefully to be sure we didn't any words out.
                                                                                                - NORM 'n' AL

A well-balanced life is simple...
we just need to forget our troubles
as easily as we forget our blessings.
                                        - NORM 'n' AL

Marriage is often like a deck of cards. In the beginning,
all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade.
                                                    - Unknown

Young boy in Sunday School, trying to quote the Golden Rule:
"Do one to others before they do one to you."

If you know the Savior and are part of His Kingdom,
life on this earth is as bad as things will ever get.
On the other hand, if you don't know (or want to know) Him,
life on this earth is as good as things will ever get. Think about it.
                                                                   - NORM 'n' AL

You might think heaven will be heaven because God will be there,
but He thinks it will be heaven if you're going to be there.
                                                                                   - Beth Moore

Artificial Intelligence is never any match for normal, carefully developed stupidity.
                                                                                                 - Unknown

In many parts of the world, there is a special word for sushi. The word is BAIT.
                                                                                                - Anonymous

The more you weigh, the harder it will be to kidnap you.
Better to be safe. Eat lots of cake and ice cream.
                                                               - Miss Piggy

Never eat anything bigger than your head.
                                                   - Miss Piggy

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I have to buy something.
                                                                                                     - Jackie Mason

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
                                                                                 - Groucho Marx

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
                                                           - Charlotte Whitton

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
                                                                                - Dylan Thomas

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
                                                                  - Derek Bok

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
                                                                                      - Irwin Edman

Too many parents think that having children is like having a bowling alley
 installed in the brain.  And then they show they have no idea how to bowl.
                                                                                                - Unknown

The most important thing in a relationship between a man
and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
                                                                                       - Linda Festa

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and to the violinist.
                                                                                - G. K. Chesterton

Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.
                                                                                                    - Unknown

Suppose you were an idiot. Now suppose you were
a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.
                                                            - Mark Twain

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
                                                           - William Safire

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
                                                                                  - Unknown

I wash everything on the gentle cycle.  It's much more humane.
                                                                             - Unknown

It seems so few people really know how to be old.
                                                              - Anonymous

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
                                                                                           - Robert Orben

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
                                                                          - Edward Langley

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
                                                           - Clarence Darrow

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
                                                                           - John Lennon

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
                                                                            - George Santayana

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.
                                                                                                   - Calvin Trillin

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number
of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
                                                                             - David Letterman

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles"
I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
                                                                         - Franklyn Ajaye

He's just one of those people who, when you look in his eyes,
you know right away that someone else is driving.
                                                                      - Unknown

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good
is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
                                                                    - Samuel Johnson

Writers have two main problems.  One is writer's block, when
the words won't come at all, and the other is logorrhea, when the
words come so fast that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in time.
                                                                               - Cecilia Bartholomew

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable commodity,
and are therefore most economical in its use.
                                                          - Mark Twain

Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
                                                           - Dr. Seuss

You absolutely do not need to know all the answers...
because you will never meet anyone who can ask you all the questions.
                                                                                   - Unknown

Ninety percent of our politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
                                                                                - Henry Kissinger

You know where the word "politics" came from, don't you?
"Poly" in Latin means "many," and ticks are nasty little bloodsuckers.
                                                                                    - Unknown

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is a lot like shoveling your walk before it stops snowing.
                                                                            - Phyllis Diller

When it's time to clean my house the first tool I always look for is a rake.
                                                                       - Phyllis Diller

There is such a build-up of crud in my oven that there's
only room in there to bake a single cupcake.
                                                                      - Phyllis Diller

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow,
and when I woke up I found the pillow was gone.
                                                           - Tommy Cooper

I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
                                                                         - Robert Benchley

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made,
because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
                                                    - George Burns

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
                                                                     - George Santayana

Thank you, but I have other plans.
                                                               - Response to "Have a nice day"
                                                              suggested by Paul Fussell

WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
                                                                                          - Unknown

Bad spellers of the world, untie!
                                               - Anonymous

You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
                                               - Johnny Carson

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
                                                   - Robert Byrne

If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a delicatessen.
                                                              - Unknown

Housework can kill you if done right.
                                                         - Erma Bombeck

We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must
be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
                                                         - Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
                                                                                     - Jeff Valdez

Dogs come when they're called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
                                                                                       - Missy Dizick

If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I don't see the problem here."
                                                                                               - Roy Blount, Jr.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
                                                                        - Henry David Thoreau