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The world's best invention to date? No doubt about it...it has to be venetian blinds.
Otherwise, it would have been curtains for all of us.
                                                                             - Unknown


Husband telling his wife about his day at the office:
"I think my boss is beginning to realize I can be a consultant for his whole
department.  He told me that when he wants my opinion he'll ask me for it."
                                                                                 - Unknown


We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
                                                      - Abraham Lincoln


Lord, my prayer is that You would please help me
become the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
                                                         - Unknown


Better to be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
                                                                     - Anonymous


Good judgment comes from experience -- which, of course, usually comes from bad judgment.
                                                                                                       - Unknown


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
                                                                                               - Susan Ertz


Very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.  The reason
is that very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.
                                                                                                     - Joel Hildebrand


If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
                                                                                                    - Unknown


Mountains appear more lofty the nearer they are approached,
but great men do not resemble them in this particular.
                                                                                - Lady Marguerite Blessington


I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
                                                                                         - Woody Allen


People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
                                                                                             - Unknown


Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
                                                                                  - Will Rogers


The future is much like the present, only longer.
                                                 - Dan Quisenberry


Lord, thank you so much for not letting me become
who I would have been if it were left up to me alone.
                                                               - Nicole Notare


The fact there's a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell
says a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers.
                                                                      - Unknown


The sign you've been waiting for...


O Father, up in heaven, stir and wake our sleeping souls;
Renew our faith and lift us up and give us higher goals.
Grant us heavenly guidance as war threatens us again;
Far more than guided missles, this world needs guided men.
                                                        - Helen Steiner Rice


An age is called Dark not because the light refuses to shine
but because people refuse to see it.
                                           - James A. Michener, in his novel SPACE


STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Make of this what you will. I will make a hot fudge sundae.


Some people can't tell a lie. A lot more folks can't tell the truth.
Seems like most of us, though, can't tell the difference.
                                                                        - NORM 'n' AL


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
                                                     - Albert Einstein


The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
                                                                                 - Anonymous


When it's free, it's called advice.
When you pay for it, it's called counseling.
When you can really use it, it's a miracle.
                                                                  - Unknown


We cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking
we used when we created them.
                                                            - Albert Einstein


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than men who feel a need to mention it.
                                                                       - NORM 'n' AL


Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk twelve feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
                                                                                 - NORM 'n' AL


The worst part about being over the hill
is that all you can do from there is pick up speed.
                                                                 - NORM 'n' AL


Like all good writers, we always proofread carefully to be sure we didn't any words out.
                                                                                                - NORM 'n' AL


A well-balanced life is simple...
we just need to forget our troubles
as easily as we forget our blessings.
                                        - NORM 'n' AL


Marriage is often like a deck of cards. In the beginning,
all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade.
                                                    - Unknown


Young boy in Sunday School, trying to quote the Golden Rule:
"Do one to others before they do one to you."


If you know the Savior and are part of His Kingdom,
life on this earth is as bad as things will ever get.
On the other hand, if you don't know (or want to know) Him,
life on this earth is as good as things will ever get. Think about it.
                                                                   - NORM 'n' AL


You might think heaven will be heaven because God will be there,
but He thinks it will be heaven if you're going to be there.
                                                                                   - Beth Moore



Artificial Intelligence is never any match for normal, carefully developed stupidity.
                                                                                                 - Unknown


In many parts of the world, there is a special word for sushi. The word is BAIT.
                                                                                                - Anonymous


The more you weigh, the harder it will be to kidnap you.
Better to be safe. Eat lots of cake and ice cream.
                                                               - Miss Piggy


Never eat anything bigger than your head.
                                                   - Miss Piggy










I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I have to buy something.
                                                                                                     - Jackie Mason


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
                                                                                 - Groucho Marx


Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
                                                           - Charlotte Whitton


An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
                                                                                - Dylan Thomas


If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
                                                                  - Derek Bok


Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
                                                                                      - Irwin Edman


Too many parents think that having children is like having a bowling alley
 installed in the brain.  And then they show they have no idea how to bowl.
                                                                                                - Unknown


The most important thing in a relationship between a man
and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
                                                                                       - Linda Festa


Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and to the violinist.
                                                                                - G. K. Chesterton


Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.
                                                                                                    - Unknown


Suppose you were an idiot. Now suppose you were
a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.
                                                            - Mark Twain


Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
                                                           - William Safire


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
                                                                                  - Unknown


I wash everything on the gentle cycle.  It's much more humane.
                                                                             - Unknown


It seems so few people really know how to be old.
                                                              - Anonymous


Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
                                                                                           - Robert Orben


What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
                                                                          - Edward Langley


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
                                                           - Clarence Darrow


Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
                                                                           - John Lennon


There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
                                                                            - George Santayana


The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.
                                                                                                   - Calvin Trillin


New York now leads the world's great cities in the number
of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
                                                                             - David Letterman


When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles"
I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
                                                                         - Franklyn Ajaye


He's just one of those people who, when you look in his eyes,
you know right away that someone else is driving.
                                                                      - Unknown


Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good
is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
                                                                    - Samuel Johnson


Writers have two main problems.  One is writer's block, when
the words won't come at all, and the other is logorrhea, when the
words come so fast that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in time.
                                                                               - Cecilia Bartholomew


Most writers regard truth as their most valuable commodity,
and are therefore most economical in its use.
                                                          - Mark Twain


Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
                                                           - Dr. Seuss





You absolutely do not need to know all the answers...
because you will never meet anyone who can ask you all the questions.
                                                                                   - Unknown


Ninety percent of our politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
                                                                                - Henry Kissinger


You know where the word "politics" came from, don't you?
"Poly" in Latin means "many," and ticks are nasty little bloodsuckers.
                                                                                    - Unknown


Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is a lot like shoveling your walk before it stops snowing.
                                                                            - Phyllis Diller


When it's time to clean my house the first tool I always look for is a rake.
                                                                       - Phyllis Diller


There is such a build-up of crud in my oven that there's
only room in there to bake a single cupcake.
                                                                      - Phyllis Diller


Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow,
and when I woke up I found the pillow was gone.
                                                           - Tommy Cooper


I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
                                                                         - Robert Benchley


If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made,
because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
                                                    - George Burns


Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
                                                                     - George Santayana


Thank you, but I have other plans.
                                                               - Response to "Have a nice day"
                                                              suggested by Paul Fussell


WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
                                                                                          - Unknown


Bad spellers of the world, untie!
                                               - Anonymous


You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
                                               - Johnny Carson


The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
                                                   - Robert Byrne


If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a delicatessen.
                                                              - Unknown


Housework can kill you if done right.
                                                         - Erma Bombeck


We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must
be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
                                                         - Miss Manners (Judith Martin)


Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
                                                                                     - Jeff Valdez


Dogs come when they're called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
                                                                                       - Missy Dizick


If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I don't see the problem here."
                                                                                               - Roy Blount, Jr.


Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
                                                                        - Henry David Thoreau